A weekend that changed my life (& can change yours too)

               Hey loves!
       I can't believe we have just a few weeks until the first day of school. This year we'll have the older five kids in school with Lydia starting Kindergarten and Evie in preschool, and while I'm so super excited for them of course, I'm going to miss my babes being around me all day every day. *sniff sniff*

       Anyways, today I want to share some quick thoughts on one of the most life-changing experiences I've ever had (NOT sponsored:)), and details on how you can have the same opportunity! I'm talking about my time at the Radiant & Rooted Retreat and the incredible impact it's had on me. Considering that I attended the retreat that was last March, I feel bad that it's taken me so long to get this post written, but even now I don't feel equipt to write well enough to do it justice. There are emotions I felt that I can't quite put into words, and spiritual breakthroughs that I feel are too sacred to even try to share, but I'll start with a little break-down after these pictures:

All images by Kallie Porter Photo for Radiant & Rooted

All images by Kallie Porter Photo for Radiant & Rooted

What:
Radiant & Rooted Women's Retreats
A 3 day retreat to renew your soul and ignite your life!

      The retreat I attended in St George last March was in a peaceful secluded spot with just a handful of other women (as opposed to a really large group) so I couldn't 'blend into the background' or be overlooked. They had comfy beds in an incredible house and truly AMAZING food all day long. There were tons of awesome 'swag'/gifts from awesome companies. The team included energy workers and healers to help guide and teach, and I was encouraged (not forced) to explore my doubts and fears, address my limiting beliefs, discover my inner power and the energy that holds me back and holds me up. There was morning yoga, guided meditation, gorgeous hikes, swimming, time to connect with the other attendees and find our commonalities, time to be on my own, but most of all I just had lots of fun, and lots of crying.haha

      Also, I just need to add that the incredible group of friends behind these retreats are some of the most caring and compassionate souls you'll ever meet. They have nothing but pure love and compassion in their hearts and truly just want to help empower women to be their best selves and to unlock their incredible power and potential. They've dedicated SO much time and ENDLESS effort to create what I consider to be a sacred environment and atmosphere that is dedicated to helping you feel safe and understood, valued, appreciated, and absolutely full of life and hope.


When and Where:
      Again, the retreat I attended was last March in St George, UT, but the next one is coming up THIS WEEKEND!!!! It's from Friday, August 2nd to Sunday, August 4th and it's in Island Park Idaho. The link to purchase is right HERE if you want to click over and snag one before the last sell out:) Please please please consider investing in yourself (and by extension everyone you come in contact with) and just go.lol I can't recommend it enough. And no once again, I don't get anything by anyone purchasing a ticket, I just believe in these retreats with all my heart and my guts.haha Okay moving on.


Why go:
      Because investing in yourself is a powerful and immensely rewarding course of action,
because you deserve to step away from all the hustle and comparison and laundry and noise and to find some clarity and connection with other like-minded souls who are searching for many of the same things you are,
because now is the perfect time to gain some amazing new friendships and perspective, and to find some answers and peace, because Radiant & Rooted is the catalyst you need to move into the next phase of your life, no matter where you're at right now, should I go on? haha
      That's what it ended up being for me at least. I honestly pulled up a little late and was hesitant to get out of the car to go inside. My insecurities were eating at me that I didn't have anything to bring to the group and that I was in too dark of a place to receive any sort of enlightenment, but I was so wrong. I was shocked at just how safe it felt there and how vulnerable I was able to be with women that I'd just met, but once people started opening up it was like a trickle turning into a flood of connection and understanding and all of us being reminded that we are all in this together. It was incredible.

What I Didn't Like:
      I can't think of a single thing that wasn't perfectly thought out or planned or beneficial, etc, but if I have to pick something I do wish that it could last longer.haha Mostly because I didn't want it to end! I knew that that amazing feeling would start to fade as soon as I got in my car to leave that group of women and I was so sad at the thought, but I also couldn't wait to see my family again and be able to start applying the things that'd I'd learned and watch the transformations happen in our life. Also, we started a little facebook group and have kept in touch pretty well which is great.

All images by Kallie Porter Photo for Radiant & Rooted

My Favorite Part:
      I was so happy and touched to see that Kallie caught a photo of me (directly above) during this moment right near the end of the retreat because this was during one of those unforgettable experiences that I wish absolutely everyone could have! It's hard to describe exactly what I was feeling, but this is me surrendering. This was during a sort of meditative exercise that involved connecting with our younger selves, and maybe you can't tell but I was just Sobbing. I don't want to spill too many details, but a part of the exercise was to face the sun with our eyes closed as other members of the group would take turns whispering special words to us, and before we were five seconds into it the walls just came down, and I was shaking and audibly sobbing after having kept my composure pretty well since the beginning of the retreat.
      I was just overcome with adoration for all the women out there in the sun with me and their amazing strength in adversity, I felt such tender love for that little Emily who once was consumed by worthlessness and loneliness, and my heart broke as I pictured so many young people just like I was who have no idea of their value and potential.
      I saw how many lives and precious time is wasted with comparison and jealousy, gossip and selfishness. All the pain in our lives and in my own life seemed to stack up then and I felt crushed under it all, but a whispered phrase of support from one of my new sisters and that weight quickly turned into immense pride at how far I've come and how much I've survived. I felt my angels surrounding me and an assurance of our divine nature, and I felt so much peace with my life, the choices I've made, and the purpose ahead of me and my little family.

     There were a couple other incredibly sacred moments that happened between then and when we had to actually leave, but I'll save those for later I think:)

Would you recommend?

✩ One Ba-jillion Percent. ✩

      I'll wrap up with a quick reminder that the next retreat is this weekend but you can still jump in at the last minute if you hurry my dear!! I would be so all over this but we had a family reunion planned for the same time since last year, so it was not in the stars.

Update: The next one is going to be in Costa Rica in March of 2020! And I'm definitely gonna be there:) So if you guys would like more info as they release details just let me know and I'll do my best to keep you updated, or you can also follow them on IG right here. 

      One last big massive uncomfortable hug to all the marvelous souls that shared their hearts with me that weekend, and to Amy and Bri and Rach, y'all are angels and I love you forever. Thank you thank you for the work you do.

      Have you ever been to a Radiant & Rooted or another similar retreat or conference before? Have you had some other type of moment that changed or impacted you in a hugely positive way? I'd love if you could share in the comments:)

xoxo

Becoming Our Best Selves

     There are moments that mark your life. Big or small moments that define whole chapters of your story, that change you irrevocably, and that can affect every choice you make as your life moves forward. Lately, as I think about details of my family's journey over the last few years and look for lessons that can help me carry on and grow stronger, I realized that I keep coming back to some of the people that were in it with me during those moments for the most inspiration.

    I'Ive been carried so often through the hardest times of my life by countless caring individuals, and the examples that they have set for me have served as a framework as I move through each day making careful decisions about my family's future. I want to talk today about one of those wonderful people and the impact she has made on my life, but first a little background...

  

    Since my late-husband Martin’s death in the Spring of last year, I've been blessed with the opportunity to share my story at many different conferences and platforms, and with many people who are hurting in their own way. I've gotten to hug and talk directly to people who have their own unique type of grief or loss or struggle. The biggest point that I've tried to pass on during these experiences is that not only are we not alone in our pain and heartache, but that those darkest parts of our lives can actually become our strongest parts. I've tried to express that trials can really open us up to becoming our best selves with more compassion, more empathy, and a unique and rare understanding of what is really important in life. Those deeply life-changing moments can actually be used as catalysts towards a version of ourselves that we never imagined existed. Because we have been lost in the dark, we know how sweet and beautiful and valuable the light truly is when it comes.

     Early on I learned to smile and hide my feelings from most people, especially the kids and Martin, because I learned that any sign of pain from me would cause him so much more hurt. During the transition from a wife and caregiver to becoming a single mother to my five little ones, I had the realization that I just couldn’t let myself really grieve and be consumed by my emotions all the time, because I needed to be a full-time mother and breadwinner now more than ever. I was only 25, but the kids were only 11 months through 6 years old. Not only were they needing/wanting extra love and attention to make up for lost time, but especially after the trauma we had faced and were facing as a together, they were fully dependent on me for comfort and stability as their only parent. Recognizing this was two-fold, because it served as a comfort in helping me to see that my life still had so much meaning and purpose when I felt like I wanted to die too, but it was also very scary and intimidating. I didn’t know how to do it all on my own, and I was pretty certain I’d be on my own for a very long time, if not forever. I felt like I was walking blindly into a completely unknown future with my children all holding onto me, and I had no idea where we were going, how exactly we were going to pay bills, how I was going to ensure their success and happiness in life, if our life would ever heal, if I would ever feel happiness again.

      I leaned on a few others when I really needed someone to just listen, but most of the time it took some digging for anyone to really get through to me. One person that has always been able to do that these last few years especially is my sister-in-law Robyn, Martin's brother's wife.

     From the beginning of my marriage to Martin, I felt extremely lucky to have new close-by and caring relatives that pulled me into the family and loved our children as their own. Robyn, in particular, would help babysit quite often and was always the first to be called on or to reach out if there was a need. When Martin was diagnosed and our life turned upside-down, we had to leave quickly to start treatment out of the country and she played such a big part in securing the children and keeping our house in order as well. It was such a blessing to know our little treasures were safe and secure, and it helped save so much money as well. When things became so dire and I really started to fall apart, she was always there to comfort me or to distract the children with an outing or a treat.

     During the month or so around his passing, she was a constant figure in the background, quietly performing so much service without being asked, always cleaning and folding laundry or running errands, etc. I would have forgotten to eat or drink for days at a time if she hadn't put a cup in my hand or a plate in my lap. Robyn, like me, really is more if an introvert and values her quiet and calm, so it meant even more knowing how much of her own time with her family and her work she so willingly puts to the side to be there for myself and others.

     She has been such a reliable and giving and loving friend through the hardest parts of my life, and she'll always be one of my greatest examples of what true service and love looks like. The world would be such a different place if more people were like her, and I've had the blessing to meet many that are. Feeling the effects of her giving heart, I realized there isn't really a way to repay her except to pay it forward, and to work harder at putting others needs and desires before mine in my family and friendships, in my community and in the work I do.

     I realized soon after Martin’s passing that the quickest and simplest way to distract myself from my pain and to be able to simply function was to lose myself in caring for my children and in serving others as much as possible. When I’m giving of myself or sacrificing even in small little ways, I forget my own issues for a time, I feel so much stronger, and my life seems to have so much more meaning.

     Robert Ingersoll said “We rise by lifting others.” and I really know that to be true. We never know the full impact that even little acts of kindness can have on others and the world around us, but we know they’re never wasted. I know that I am my best self when I’m putting others first, and I’m so grateful for all of the people who, like Robyn, have set the ultimate example to me (and many others I’m sure) of how to live the most fulfilling and beautiful kind of life.

This post is sponsored by Prudential Financial and Bloglovin’ - Where love and loss inspire a greater legacy.

What I Wore // Let your hair down

☀ Photography by Marley Abelhouzen ☀

Wearing:
watch: c/o Daniel Wellington
rings: fred meyer
neck scarf: target
denim jacket: charlotte rouss
t-shirt: c/o bohme (out of stock:/)
belt: downeast
jeans: asos
boots: roxy brand from ross


     Hey again friends! At least now I can tell you that I've been kinda MIA due to some pretty crummy morning/all-day-long sickness, but this little peanut(or should I say eggplant?) has calmed down more today, so I have high hopes for the next little while.haha I'd almost forgotten just how much this baby growing business can really knock the wind out of you, but it's still been such an incredible experience so far. This little one is already so loved and anxiously awaited, and a 24/7 flu is a really small price to pay for such a huge blessing and privilege:) I've been feeling its tiny kicks and jabs for a few weeks now, and every time I still have to pause and grin like a goof.

     Right now I'm sitting next to Evie in some reclining chairs in the yard watching Richard and the four older kids playing on the trampoline. Their chorus of giggles is such great background to my typing, and looking over to see all their hair standing up on end with the static makes me smile and shake my head. It's just chilly enough today that I wrapped myself in a cozy sweater, and Luna the cat is napping at my feet now keeping them warm.

     The weather here really has been either nice and chilly or really warm and we haven't really seen any trees changing yet, so these next few weeks are going to bring lots of rich color to our beautiful city. I can't wait! I do feel incredibly zapped of all energy and stamina as a norm now, but I also have this incredible desire to cook (and eat for that matter) all. the. time.haha I've made a bunch of yummy soups in huge quantities, far too many side-dishes to name, apple cider, pie, smoothies, peach cobbler, eggnog, fudge, chicken salads galore, scones, brownies, and so many batches of fluffy rolls that I mostly hoard for myself(baby loves them). The kitchen just seems to be my happy place even more than it usually is, and my family isn't complaining either:) I think it stemmed from trying to find things that would stay down, but now I'm just having fun.haha

    While resizing these photos that my good friend Marley took on a walk together, I couldn't remember why I decided to let my hair down in the middle of taking them. Sometimes I do something with my hair and don't really feel it for some reason, or there's there's something uncomfortable about it. Either way, I realized that it was kind of perfect for my biggest goal for October, and that's to really try and let my mind relax more and to 'let my hair down' so to speak. I've trained my mind over time to try and do so so much at once (we all know how that feels), and a side-effect of feeling like I can keep tabs on everything and keep accomplishing my goals has also been becoming a drastic overthinker. I saw that changing in me much more in the years that followed my late-husband Martin's cancer diagnosis, when all hell broke loose and I had to really snap into action and control mode, but as our life has moved towards more predictable schedules and 'normal' routines, that habit of overthinking has become less helpful and more detrimental to my peace of mind.

     So, all that being said, I hope you'll join me this month in taking a step back, taking an extra deep breath, and giving yourself permission to stop trying to do and think of everything at once. To stop thinking of every possible outcome and failure and worrying constantly, and to let our hearts rest a bit more. I saw a quote recently by Carrie Bradshaw and she said: "Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens."

      It's good to see you again October:)