late night thoughts on motherhood

I honestly have been sitting here with my fingers on the keyboard in silence for a while now waiting for the words to come to me like they always do when it's time to write a post, but there are way too many thoughts running through my head that I can't really form into a proper sentence. I know that whatever comes out will end up being mushy so I'll give you fair warning.haha and I guess I could just start by showing you a picture of the four little people that make me enjoy today as a mother:

(for those that have asked, the girls headbands are courtesy of Akamatra Handmade! )

They're pretty cute huh:) I especially love Soph's face.haha

Being their mother, with Martin as their dad means more to me than anything else in the world, and I can't put into words the depth of love that I feel for these little ones or the joy I get when I get tackled with their group hugs on the living room floor. 

I can't express the fear that comes with the pain of childbirth, or the crazy feeling afterwards that I'd do it again in a heartbeat to make them mine.

There's no proper description for that feeling that rises up inside and overtakes me when I hear their first cry, that mama-bear instinct that makes me want to lash out at everything from bullies or bugs that even come close to harming them, or the pride I feel when they run to me to kiss their oweys or bonked heads.

I can't adequately describe the bags under my eyes that resemble the state of Rhode Island, the draining feeling of constant fatigue, or how I crave the fabric of a pillow against my cheek at the end of a long day. 

I can't explain exactly why I quietly sneak up to their rooms after they finally fall asleep, just to stand there and watch them so still and peaceful. 

I don't know how many times I've been reduced to raising my voice at them in frustration only to feel a sting of regret, but then I do it again after not too long. 

There's no way to explain how a child's' tender smile can make all the worry and doubt just go away, and I can't really put into words how I can simultaneously feel so proud and excited and also hugely depressed and regretful as new milestones are reached, because it means they're growing up, and it means they're growing up.haha

Each day as mother's we're challenged and changed, and while we may not see the immediate value of the menial/messy/obnoxious tasks that go along with motherhood, it's such a powerful and meaningful work.

There's no glamour in diapers, dishes, spit-up, or potty-training. There's no romance in time-outs, stained new clothes, or tantrums in public.

Motherhood is not all smiles and giggles, but those that come are what make it worth it. 

I live for those giggles. they're the absolute best aren't they?

Sophie saying "I luff you so muts mama." with her sweet little way of talking. 

Those deep belly laughs that come from my teeny little Lydia when you tickle her armpits.

Ellie telling me I'm "sooo bootiful" out of the blue on a particularly 'ugly' feeling day,

or John's adorable little naked butt running around because he won't hold still while he's getting changed. I can't help but laugh! and take pictures.haha Those are the best.

There's no fool-proof plan or secret to success that can make motherhood a breeze, we just have to do the best we can and love unconditionally. Every day I hit the ground running, and the days that go the best are the day's that I am present, playful, and peaceful. If I keep those words in my mind, I remember to not let myself get overwhelmed or frustrated, and I can keep things in perspective and have an optimistic attitude.

I wasn't prepared for motherhood at all, none of us can really be I don't think, but we learn, with our kids we learn. We grow as they grow, and we'll never ever be perfect, but we can be pretty freaking awesome. 

So mom, all those times growing up when I told you I appreciated all you did for me, I guess that was my best way of telling you I loved you, because I see now that I couldn't have truly appreciated all your efforts until I really understood just what you've done for me and always have. I've felt the depth of pure unconditional love when you sense those first kicks inside your belly, I've experienced the endless sleepless nights up with a sick child, and I understand now the surge of adrenalin when you see your child in some sort of danger. I understand better just how much you did for me, and now I truly love you so much for that. 

Today I'm so grateful for my mother for being that woman for me, for my kids for helping me learn how to be that woman as well, and for my husband, for being my partner in raising these sweet little babes.  

Every day is Mother's Day, but today in particular we get to stop and think about the impact that mother's make in all lives in so many different ways. So, Happy Mother's Day to you my friends! I hope you'll share a little thought here about your mother, being a mother, or knowing a mother that has made some impact of good in your life, and I hope you have a fantastic week ahead!

xo, Emily

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