Monday, August 1

Flowers yet to grow

Today was the ultimate fresh start. A new month, beginning on a Monday morning. You know how much of a sucker I am for days like this. I woke up this morning and breathed in little goals and dreams like air. Lately, I have adopted so many different rituals and routines to help me feel in control even a tiny bit, and the kids have loved picking new traditions and having some structure in our day-to-day, a little at a time. I know that keeping my mind and body as active as I can since his passing has helped and is helping keep me grounded and distracted all at once, and the way I see it the more things I can fit into our life right now that does that, and that brings us closer together and make us all happier, the better.

So today I'm trying to begin, if even a tiny bit. New beliefs in myself and my abilities, new patterns of thought, new little lists of projects and activities. As I've said before, at the end of the day I still have to keep going for my little kiddies. I literally am forced to get out of bed every day by 5 voices calling for me, for breakfast, or help getting their shirt on, etc. This month though, today, I took lots of deep breaths and thought about all the things we have ahead. There is still so much more ahead. So if I can help it, our August will be full of much more.

More evening bike rides after dinner,
more baking together in the kitchen,
more reading on the hammock,
more road trips together,
more blanket forts,
more dress-up,
more writing,
more roasting hotdogs,
more cartoon snuggles on moms bed,
more singing Adele at the top of our lungs,
more sunsets on the roof (just me:)),
more running in the garage(also just me),
more hikes in the woods,
more adventures,
more creating,
more exploring,
more dreaming,
more healing,
more hoping,
more love.

There's a quote by Gaby Comprés that I shared on my Instagram that says:
"There are stars you haven't seen and loves you haven't loved. There's light you haven't felt and sunrises yet to dawn. There are dreams you haven't dreamt, and days you haven't lived, and nights you won't forget, and flowers yet to grow. And there is more to you that you have yet to know."

I do feel hopeful today, so I'm writing this while that feeling lasts.
I feel like our future is brighter than the darkness that follows me constantly. I wish I could explain what a huge role you play in that hope, and that such a large part of my often positive attitude is always attributed to the constant encouragement flowing my way from you friends, truly. I need you to know that.

In wrapping up tonight I have to apologize for how jumbled I feel all of my thoughts are lately, I just have so much on my mind and it's hard to find the right words. I look forward to sharing the new traditions, routines and things that have been working well for myself and the kiddies here with you sometime.

xoxo,

84 comments:

  1. I cannot even find the words to tell you how inspiring you are. Keep doing what you are doing cause truly....its amazing!!

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  2. Prayers for continued strength dear one. Prayers for healing, for peace, and for lots and lots of good things.

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  3. You are doing amazing! Your writing is perfect for the emotions I would only expect from a newly made single mother of 5 whose love is cheering her on from Heaven. ❤

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  4. Love this! LOVE that quote, too...amazingly on point. There is nothing like a positive attitude and yes, there are good times ahead!

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  5. Oh, Emily, please don't ever feel the need to apologize. You're in unfamiliar territory, charting a new course for you and your children. There is no right way, nor wrong way, just your way.

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  6. I love this post! So inspirational and honest :-)

    http://makemeupmarie.com/

    xoxo

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  7. Praying for you and your sweet family daily

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  8. Your beautiful family is lucky to have you to lead them into a new month and brighter future. <3

    -Stephanie

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  9. So happy to see your post this morning! So much love to you and your little ones. I think of you all the time. Your grace and strength are inspiring.

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  10. You are such an inspiration, your strength of spirit makes me feel stronger, less fearful and anxious. I thank you for sharing and being so open with your life.

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  11. I'm glad you are feeling hopeful today. I think that passage is absolutely gorgeous. As someone who has had a few brushes with suicide I'll have to put it somewhere to remember for when those feelings come back (I've resigned that it's always a 'when' and not an 'if', haha)

    As Morticia Addams says, scream if you need anything.

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  12. Oh sweet Emily, you have nothing to apologize for. Write whatever you need to write. We are here with you. Constantly praying for your family to heal. Sending love. Always.

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  13. This post is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. I pray that the Lord will bless you and your littles with comfort and peace as you go through this new month enjoying your time together!!

    xoxo

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  14. Emily, I am praying for you and your babies everyday. Sending lots of love and hugs.

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  15. Just the simple fact that you are writing this post amazes me. You have been through so much and yet you sound so hopeful and strong. You are such an encouragement and an inspiration to so many of us. Keep your head held high, sister. Better days are coming, I know it. We are sending prayers your way! ❤️

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  16. Beautifully written. I don't think it's jumbled at all. I think it's prefect. I admire you very much. Sending lots of hugs XOXO

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  17. There's never a need to apologize, you've done nothing wrong! *hugs* Happy to hear a smile in this post - fleeting or not - it's a great step forward.

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  18. Sending you love and happy thoughts! You are an incredible mama to your littles :)

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  19. Praying for your strength, hope, and encouragement and peace. -Alice Wright

    www.whatsoever-lovely.blogspot.com
    Www.thewrightfamilyfarm.blogspot.com

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  20. Praying for your strength, hope, and encouragement and peace. -Alice Wright

    www.whatsoever-lovely.blogspot.com
    Www.thewrightfamilyfarm.blogspot.com

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  21. Emily,
    I'm a long time follower. I just wanted to say how much I admire you, and I know so many thousands of others do too. It doesn't matter if it's an Instagram photo or a blog post, it doesn't matter if it's a sad, hopeful, grieving or heartbroken post. I can feel how real you are and it's so encouraging and refreshing. I have two babies (almost 2) and (almost 1) and another due this November. They are 12 months apart - the third will be 13 months apart. Almost the same spacing as your precious Eleanor Sophie and John. I am continuously amazed by you, and I look up to you deeply as a mother, I suppose I feel a connection with the similar ages of our babies as well. Just wanted you to know that- on the tough mom days- I think of you occasionally and feel like I can do anything. <3 So much love, and thank you.

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  22. Thinking of you and your lovely family, Emily. Sending you many prayers and happy thoughts. <3

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  23. I know this likely sounds odd since I don't really know you but I think about you and your sweet kiddos from time to time. I pray for you, that God will give you strength you didn't know you had and be your ultimate rock when you need Him the most. Even when it doesn't feel like He's there, He is and I pray you know that. I always look forward to your blog posts. Your new traditions sound so good. Such a present reminder to live each day to the fullest. Praying for you girl.

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  24. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and encouragements during this unique season of your life. You are so beautiful inside and out! ✨��✨

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  25. I only came to your blog a couple months ago but have been reading past posts. You have a great attitude and I think that having a list will make things easier. Take care of yourself and your wonderful family and know that there are lots of people who only know you through your blog that are praying for you.

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  26. You are an amazing woman! I hope you feel special, beautiful, cherished, and powerful cuz every time I read your posts you make me wanna live better, love stronger, and laugh harder. I pray that you find fulfillment, comfort and joy..xoxo��

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  27. May your month of August really be a fresh new start and may it be filled with all that you set out to do with your precious family. My heart continues to break for you all but you are always in my prayers x

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  28. Thank you Emily for bringing us along on this your biggest journey yet. Loss is one of my biggest fears and reading your powerful words has given me peace to know that if a similar trial is in my future I will have the strength to bear it, too. I hope you know how loved you are and how many prayers I've offered in your behalf. I've cried for you and spent time in the Temple just for you. Keep going, you're doing amazing.

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  29. Hi Emily :) long time reader - never commented before, but I thought I would say that my dad passed away when I was five, now I'm twenty-five, and reading about your story has been so hard. I can't imagine being you, or what you're going through, but here's one more heart out there praying for you and sending so much love. You can do this and your kiddos will always remember the love and the strength that you're showing them every day.

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  30. Oh, man. That quote you shared is truer than you know. Two years ago last month, my brother killed my dad. And then exactly 60 days later, my mom took her own life. Those were dark, dark days, and I remember clearly thinking, "Well, this pain will surely break me, kill, me, swallow me up whole." Just know that two years later the light has returned, and there are far far more good days than bad. You kind of weave the loss into yourself so that, yes, huge parts of yourself are still there, but you become someone a little different. Still you, just different. My therapist told me on my first day with her, "Your world has been shattered into fifty million tiny pieces. Here, in my office, we are going to cry and yell and hurt and heal, and put every tiny piece back together. And one day they'll all fit back together, slightly different and probably a few will be out of place, but still together and whole." Sending love and prayers and healing thoughts to you and your babies.

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  31. Prayers of strength for you and your kiddies. My dad passed when I was 13 and my sister 9. Thank God my mother kept grounded for us. You kids will help you get up when you're down. You can do all things with Christ beside you.

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  32. sending you and your littles lots of love. I've said before but must say again that you are truly amazing and inspiring.

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  33. oh dear, you are doing such a great job. My thoughts are with you.

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  34. I don't know how you're able to post at all, much less have the mental and heart energy for anything else. You're such an inspiration, even in your dark times. It gives a good perspective for those of us in different places. (Like me being tired from working a film set and being anxious over a new crush? It's just silly, really. There are so many bigger things to be tired from or worried about.) My heart still goes out to you and your little ones. I can't even imagine going through what you have. Get choked up just thinking about it. So I can imagine your pain being a hundred fold. You truly have a beautiful sense of strength about you. Know that even in your darkest times, you're being a light to SO many. <3
    - Briana

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  35. "I feel like our future is brighter than the darkness that follows me constantly..." this...don't lose sight of this! It will be bright...you will always have brightness and beauty bigger than the darkness. What a gift you are...not just to 5 littles, but to so many of us. Type your heart away...be real...grief demands to be felt and feeling is in a way letting go of some of the pain...at least for a moment. Always praying for you...

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  36. One minute, one hour, one day at a time girl. You've got this. A great tip my therapist once gave me when I was seeing her for depression and anxiety is that no feeling lasts forever - it's always helpful for me when I'm down and can't see hope to think that that feeling is not permanent.

    And never feel the need to apologize for your writing. You are very articulate and expressive.

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  37. I love this and needed to hear it for myself. Grief is such a weird thing, don't apologize for your "jumbled thoughts" as we all know up can sometimes be down and vice versa. I love your honesty. Your positive vibes and strong spirit are a great buoy for me so thank you. At a time when you possibly have every excuse to write nothing but heartbreak, and please do if you need to, here you are being so uplifting to those around you and inspiring those of us whose trials are insignificant in the grand scheme. ❤️❤️

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  38. I think of you and your babies so often. I have a 1-year-old (in a couple days) and my heart just aches for you. You are an inspiration for hope and perseverance. I am amazed by your strength...I'm sure you don't feel strong a lot of the time, but it seems to me that you are and that your family really benefits from that. I echo many of the comments on here and say that we all love to hear whatever thoughts you have, however jumbled they seem to you. We're all here for you! xoxo

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  39. Thank you for your honesty ! Your strength shines through your words! Your list of activities sound like spending great quality time with your kids and with yourself! I hope your August is filled with strength and support. 💚

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  40. Your hope, your love, your strength for your babies is nothing short of heroic and amazing. I can't imagine your heartache, but the way you write makes me think that your hope and faith will pull you through. I hope August is full of renewal. You and your kiddos will be in my prayers!

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  41. I hope you know that you do not owe anyone apologies... least of all the random strangers and internet friends who come here to read your words. You write so beautifully through this pain, and anyone who needs that qualified or tempered is certainly not worth your energy right now. I do not think you sound jumbled-- but even if it did, grief and pain are jumbled things. Still praying for you and the babes.

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  42. Em - I wish I could be your friend, neighbor, or someone who could just be close to you. You are such a wonderful and beautiful person inside out and inspire me to be a better human and woman myself. I wish I could just do something for you and take care of you. You do SO much for everyone and you deserve so much love, care and happiness. I pray for you and kiddos everyday and send you lots of love and good vibes from South Carolina. Much love!

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  43. That's a beautiful quote. You are so strong.

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  44. I'm am sending you strength and courage. My heart aches for you. Sending you all the love in the world.

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  45. You are amazing. You inspire me and so many others. Wishing you the best this month and praying for your family!

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  46. I recommended this book on Instagram, but it occurred to me later that you are no doubt so overwhelmed with comments that I don't know if you saw it - The Widow's Journal (find it here: https://smile.amazon.com/Widows-Journal-Questions-through-Planning/dp/1515193314/) is something my mom found really helpful after my dad died. It gives you a space to write down all those jumbled thoughts that is truly private, and also has some really nice life-planning advice. My mom was 59 when Dad died, but she said the journal honestly seemed really good for younger widows, too, because the life-planning stuff is all things you've just... never even had to consider thinking about yet, but it's still so essential.

    Other books on grief I've found exceptionally helpful or my mom did:
    Good Grief (https://smile.amazon.com/Good-Grief-Anniversary-Granger-Westberg/dp/0800697812/) Short and sweet and sad, but so helpful/encouraging from a faith perspective.
    On Grief and Grieving (https://smile.amazon.com/Grief-Grieving-Finding-Meaning-Through/) I know some people don't like the "Five Stages" concept, but I found this incredibly helpful to keep picking up over time (it's been just about a year since Dad died).
    On Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love (https://smile.amazon.com/Grieving-Loss-Someone-You-Love/dp/0800725506/) A devotional book.
    And my mom rec's this one as well: Widow to Widow (https://smile.amazon.com/Widow-Thoughtful-Practical-Ideas-Rebuilding/dp/0738209961) Written by a woman whose husband died, Mom says it's been the best book so far as far as being practical and compassionate and clearly understanding exactly what she's feeling.

    I'm just a huge reader myself - my mom and I both are - and we found these books really helpful because sometimes reading the words, even if they're words that have been knocking around inside your own mind since the first day - is really helpful.

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  47. Praying for you and your family <3 xoxo

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  48. Thank you for doing what you are able, it inspires others even in our most feeble efforts. <3 xoxo (from a dedicated reader)

    http://annakmorales.blogspot.com/2016/08/mandalas-children-immigration-and_59.html

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  49. Your writing is so beautiful, simple and lovely. I have nothing but lovely wishes for you and your family.

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  50. Love you sweet Em! You are such a beautiful person inside + out. I pray for you and your precious family every day, and your posts always warm my heart. Sending love from Kansas!
    -emalee

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  51. Fresh starts are never easy, but sometimes they are the best thing for us. Your writing is so moving, and my heart just overflows with love for you and your little ones. Continued prayers mama.

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  52. Thanks so much for checking in Emily, I love your list for August and have been keeping your family in my prayers!

    xx Kelly
    Sparkles and Shoes

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  53. I love your posts, and I truly believe you are much stronger than you probably give yourself credit for. Keep living and loving, and if you get the chance, writing, because we love to read what you have to say. :)

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  54. Your strength is inspiring, you're in my prayers.

    Rxx

    www.peppermintdolly.com

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  55. inspiring. wish you all the best.

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  56. I´m only one of a lots of comments. I´m sorry for my bad english, but i´m writing from germany. I found your Blog and I´m so broken, to read your story.
    But I´m glad, that you know that the Lord of all carry you an all your sweet little Babys... but I´m a mother an wife, too. And I will pray for all the other moments in your life... with tears and all that... We are both mothers. And it will be my favourite to think about you in my prayers.
    God is with you and carry you. HE is the strength in your Children.
    Thank you for your story for us, I have learned so much an I am so suppliantly ashamed about my problems and discontentment.
    God bless you an your loved children.
    Tina

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  57. Emily,
    These are wonderful words! You are so very encouraging . I am praying for you and your 5 sweet kids, that your new traditions are fun, exciting, and meaningful! When my four year old sister passed away from a heart disease, we started a new tradition of giving away a certain amount of fun Christmas gifts to other kids at the hospital and it meant so much to the kids and to us! New traditions ARE helpful and inspiring too! I am praying for you that you stay strong and that as you continue to enter into a different sort of lifestyle, you would have peace in knowing that God will work out all things for good!

    Much love,
    Abigail

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  58. You inspire me so much and this post inspired me so much. I am amazed by your ability to go on despite what seems to be the worst trials you could face. Lots of love and prayers.

    xoxo, ❤︎ rach ❤
    RachaelBurgess.com | Instagram

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  59. Hi Emily. I just stumbled across your blog. You are so beautiful, mashallah. When I realized what you and your family have recently gone through, I started to cry. I am so sorry for your loss. Your grace and fortitude are really commendable. I know when I personally am going through a hard time, mornings can be quite difficult. It helped a lot when I learned the biological side and how many of us have a spike in cortisol stress hormone levels before waking. I suppose this came in handy in our early days when it was an advantage to wake up wary and prepared to fight unknown enemies. Now it can definitely be an obstacle, especially when we are already fighting to keep our heads above water. I was glad to read this post and see how well you are handling the AM. If you have a bad one, remember the stress hormones and how they spike just before you wake. Your feelings are absolutely valid and you have every right to feel them. I just know for me, it helped put things in perspective to know the biology of my brain and why mornings were so much harder than the rest of the day. If I could hug you here from Texas I would! Thinking and praying for you and your loved ones.

    xoxo - Paige

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  60. The photo for this post is kind of amazing!

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  61. Sending you strength across the miles.

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  62. Fantastico post.
    Molto intelligente, profondo e stimolante.
    Invita a riflettere.
    Consulenza d'immagine

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  63. Your bravery and positive outlook despite everything your family has faced is truly admirable. The best to all of you.
    Ashleigh | Mermaid on the Move

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  64. You've been quiet this month and I just pray that you are living that life full of road trips, dress up, adventures and sunsets you wrote about.
    Let Christ's power rest on you- "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

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  65. I've been checking in on you for a while now, and I'm so happy and inspired to see this post. I wish you and your kiddos every happiness, and I hope you continue to have the inspiration to do all of the things that you listed in this post today and more. Sending you so much love and strength and hope <3 You are doing so well, even in the moments that seem the hardest, you're doing great, I promise <3 Take care, and best wishes!

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  66. I've been checking in on you for a while now, and I'm so happy and inspired to see this post. I wish you and your kiddos every happiness, and I hope you have the inspiration to do all of the things that you listed in this post today and more. Sending you so much love and strength and hope <3 You are doing so well, even in the moments that seem the hardest, you're doing great, I promise <3 Take care, and best wishes.

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  67. Just thinking about you and sending love your way....

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  68. Ever since I heard about what happened to your husband, I've wanted just to give you a big big big hug. You are SO strong and wonderful. I don't know how someone can go through what you've had to endure, but I admire you for the grace and transparent-ness that you've shown through it. May you be SO so blessed. I look forward to following your new dreams!

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  69. I love the list of things you want to do! I also love your blog and your story. The first time I read your blog and I found out about your husband I cried so much.

    Im young, but I have lot a lot of loved ones from cancer and its hard. I am praying for you!

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  70. I just came across your blog! You are so strong and inspiring!! You have such an amazing way with words. I too am a single mom of 5 young children. I know there are extra angels watching out for you and your children. Your children are blessed to have you!!

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  71. Hi pretty lady! I just came across your Instagram and blog yesterday. It's amazing how we can feel pain and grief for others. My heart hurts for you and your littles. I'm sorry you can't have your sweetheart with you. Gah. I hate everything I'm saying, it's just not enough! Know that there's a young momma of 5 kids living in the Pacific Northwest thinking and praying for you. You are inspiring.

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  72. Hi Emily,
    Like so many others, I have never met you - I stumbled across your site around the start of the year, and loved it, and continued to visit. The shock and sadness I felt when I learned that your husband had been ill, is still with me and like others above, I think of you often, and send love. I cuddle my little baby boy just that little bit longer and I hope so much that you are finding strength - you are so very strong. I hope that you do not feel alone - so many people are thinking of you and sending you their love. Keep going, you are wonderful.

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  73. Praying for you and your family. You remind me of our family in so many ways and my heart goes out to you. You are an amazing woman and I feel privileged to have a little peak into your families life. May God give you the courage, patience, guidance and wisdom you need, day to day. Proverbs 3:5-6. -Deb

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  74. Praying for you and your family. You remind me of our family in so many ways and my heart goes out to you. You are an amazing woman and I feel privileged to have a little peak into your families life. May God give you the courage, patience, guidance and wisdom you need, day to day. Proverbs 3:5-6. -Deb

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  75. Emily, I have visited your hair tutorials many times, and always thought "What a beautiful,
    classy lady" somewhat enviously. and now I have tears running down my face as I realize what you have been going through. I have two babies and a husband I adore, and the thought of losing him... Oh, Emily. My heart is weeping for you. I wish I could hug you tight and try to take away some of the pain and brokenness. I've never even met you and my heart is overflowing with love and sorrow. Keep trusting the Lord, and finding His strength in the stillness of the lonely night.

    I want to encourage you and tell you that you are one strong woman! You can do this! Keep getting up each morning, and live for those little ones! You are nurturing 5 little souls. Don't lose sight of how important your precious work is! You sound like you are doing amazing, all things considering. Keep going. Don't ever stop.

    You have made me put my whole life back in perspective. I will be praying for you!!

    "Sorrow may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

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  76. Though I know how you do it.. God's grace.. I don't know how you do it. Being in your shoes 4 years ago. Watching my high-school sweetheart die right in from of me, leaving me and his 4 children behind, still today I don't have any new dreams, goals, aspirations nor anything. What I do have is hope and faith so I guess that's ok. God bless you and your kiddos. Being a widow at such a young age is really hard. From today on you will be in my prayers. You're such an encouragement. God bless

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  77. I've been reading your blog & watching your videos for years. I always felt like we'd be bosom buddies if we got to meet in real life. You've been on my mind lately & I keep thinking to check your blog to see how you're holding up. I'm now in tears as I realize what you've been going through. You are stronger than you know & your children are lucky to call you their mom. Sharing your feelings & experiences have helped so many others-keep it up! You are an inspiration & example to us all. I do believe you'll see your sweetheart again & that he's helping countless others on the other side while watching over you & his adorable children. Hugs & prayers your way!��

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  78. You are amazing Emely. I like you.

    https://the-perky-princess.blogspot.com

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