Friday, June 3

Deep Breaths

Picture from January via inframesphotography

It feels like I've been trying to write this update for ages, but it's only been about a week now since we sat together in that hospital room, with Martin on the bed and I at his side, holding his hand tightly in mine. A dozen doctors and nurses from his oncology team were standing around that little room with their clipboards. Our main doctor sat on the bed beside me as I looked at Martin's scans and tried to understand what she was saying to us. Some of the charts were just big blurry masses where we should have been able to see his different organs, and she was explaining how the disease was moving so quickly and completely taking over. I could feel my heart getting heavier with every word of her explanation. Then she took a deep breath and said those words so apologetically, "I mean we're talking a few weeks here, maybe."

I can't even explain what that felt like. All I know is that I was holding his warm hand, and I saw our five little babies in my mind, and I knew that no matter what happened to Marty that we would all be together. That our family was forever, and that everything would be OK, no matter what.

Once they were gone, Marty and I just looked at each other for a while in silence. I saw so many different memories in his beautiful eyes, and so many different emotions flooded through me as I thought back on our short-but full-life together so far. We talked about things that I'll keep to myself, but then once he was asleep I left the room and made a few calls. The doctors were stopping all treatment of Martin's cancer and moving us upstairs to palliative care so that simply managing Martin's pain, and getting us back to our children could become the top priority. They sent people to help arrange a life-flight to take us home, as well as to help set up hospice care to meet us once we arrived.

So, I don't really know how to describe what I'm thinking or where my mind is, as every emotion is kindof blended together lately. What I usually say to people is that I've been at this for over a year already, which in itself has been a blessing. There's been so many different feelings in our house this past week though. So much paperwork, so many caring visitors, so much thinking and planning and praying. There's also been no shortage of treats delivered, hugs given, and hope. Always hope.

So, thank you for your never-ending love and positivity. I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed to have so many angels behind us through this whole last year. Every time I got online this last week especially and saw sweet comments from so so many of you, encouraging me to update, sharing our story, spreading our fundraiser, sending messages of hope and concern and understanding, or ways in which our ordeal has helped or changed you in some positive way. That's what's kept my head up through all of this, and that's what's going to keep me going no matter what may happen to my sweetheart or to my family.

So much love for you all,

332 comments:

  1. I can't even comprehend what you're going through, and where you've found the strength to document all this, but I'm glad you're here, I'm glad you're strong and most of all, I'm glad you've at least had this time with your beloved. Wishing you all the love & strength in the world. <3

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  2. I am so, so sorry. Sending lots of love to you and your family, thank you for sharing your beautiful words <3

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  3. Praying for you and your darling family <3

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  4. Oh Emily! My heart feels so heavy for you and your ever so beautiful family. Sending you lots of love. Cherish every single second with your husband. Praying that he be at peace and comfortable through this journey we call life. Xo

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  5. I'm expecting baby #5 (in less than 5 years) and I'm LDS and so I feel like I can relate so much to your world. My heart is equally breaking and so hopefully for you. You are so strong and have such positivity despite such hard times. I have pondered on my testimony a lot since I've followed Martin's cancer. I can't imagine the actual weight of that burden over the past year for you but I do know that you are so so loved and I do believe in forever families. Sending you so much hope and love and hope for sweet memories over the next weeks and months. I'll have your family in my prayers.

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  6. Sending you and your family love. I have few words to share as I've been following you over the past few years- but just needed to comment. Sending love and prayers to you, Martin and your precious children.

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  7. Thoughts and prayers for peace for you all.

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  8. Emily,
    I am so sorry to hear the news about your sweetheart. I cannot even imagine what you are going through. I have followed your blog for the last year or two and always loved hearing about your relationship with your husband. You can tell the two of you have something special. That something special can never be taken from you, no matter what comes.

    You are in my thoughts in prayers.

    Chels @ Red Velvet Rooster

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  9. There is no possible way that I could understand the amount of devastation you are going through. I am so sorry, I know that that won't take away any of your pain, but I am praying for you and your family. You have been stronger than anyone I have ever witnessed and as someone who is the same age as you, I have no idea how you have dealt with it as gracefully as you have. My heart aches for you, Martin, and your beautiful family and please know that so many of us out here have been forever changed by your story.

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  10. I have a family of my own and I just cannot fathom what you have been going through...I've been praying for you and your husband and children. I hope you continue to have strength to get through this very difficult time. I'm just so sorry...

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  11. Emily, I can only imagine how hard this has been for you and your sweet family. Our love and prayers to you for peace as you try and get through this difficult time. This talk below has brought me comfort and is a reminder that although things now may be heartbreaking and incredibly difficult, they are not our forever. Much love your way. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/sunday-will-come?lang=eng

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  12. I've been a reader of your blog since little one number 3 and I must say that I've enjoyed every post. In words, there is no possible way I could explain the emotion that I want to express. Only that you are so, so, incredibly strong. I will pray for you and your sweet family for some time to come. Thank you for sharing with us today.

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  13. Emily, you are such a strong wife and mama. Know that you and your beautiful family have so much love, thoughts, and prayers going out to you. Thank you for your openness and honesty during this very personal battle.

    Sara

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  14. My heart is breaking for you right now! I've been following your story for some time and your strength through out this journey has been inspirational! I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers- stay strong mama, but take good care of yourself too!

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  15. My heart is breaking for you right now! I've been following your story for some time and your strength through out this journey has been inspirational! I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers- stay strong mama, but take good care of yourself too!

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  16. I'm feeling really heartbroken for you, and sending so much love and prayers. xxxxxx

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  17. Oh Emily, I am so so sorry, I just do not know what to say, sending you so much love from Irelandxxxx

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  18. Thinking of you and your family and hoping you find peace and love and keep being so strong!

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  19. Emily.. there are no words for a time as this, only sorrow in my heart for you, and hope and a prayer that God will give you the comfort that only He can. Your story has touched me profoundly- I often think of you and take the extra time to appreciate loved ones and realize how precious our time on earth is. Your courage and devotion are amazing, what an inspiration for all wives and mothers!

    Much love

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  20. My children and I have been praying for you and your family every night. May God bring you peace, comfort, and strength, little mama <3

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  21. Emily, I think about your family daily. You are truly in my prayers. I know we never met in person, but I can easily say you are one of the most influential people in my adult and new mommy-hood life.
    I admire you so much. You are such a loving wife and mother, and such an incredible soul. I am praying for your family's peace and health, and I trust in God that He will wrap you and yours in His loving and tender embrace. God bless you!

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  22. I'm so very sorry that y'all have to go through this. I wish you the best on this sad, sad journey.

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  23. I have never commented before, but have been a longtime reader of your blog. I hate this so much for you, Marty & your children. My prayers are with you all as you navigate this. You guys have been a reminder to me to love & live life to the fullest. Much love & many prayers for all of you. <3

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  24. <3 you are a wonderful example of living life for every day and making the best of what you have! Thinking of your sweet young family, and praying.

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  25. Emily, I don't even know what to say. I've been quietly following along with your journey and have been so in awe of your strength and grace during the most difficult time I could imagine. You've really created a beautiful family and they're so lucky to have you, and each other. I wish you a lifetime of happiness in the coming weeks, and I hope you find comfort in the fact that so many have been touched by your story. Best wishes to you and your family.

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  26. Emily, there are no words for what you're going through right now. My heart aches for you and your babies, but you are so right in acknowledging that you are a forever family. Heavenly Father loves you and Martin and your sweet children. I am praying for you and your family ❤️❤️❤️

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  27. Praying for you and your sweet family ❤️❤️❤️

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  28. My heart is breaking for you Emily. I follow you years now, I really can't comprehend what you've been going through. I have no words of what to say.
    Stay strong and cherish all the beautiful moments with Marty in your life. Your love is strong and eternal no matter what.

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  29. no words only love for you and your family and especially Martin.

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  30. Oh Emily- my heart breaks for you. Enjoy every smile, every laugh, every minute. This will sustain you and feed you through the times ahead. Thinking of you often and taking the extra minute to tell my sweetheart I love him whenever I can. Praying for Martin's comfort and for you both share a few happy minutes together in the next few weeks. I am so, so sorry.

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  31. I am so, so, so sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through. Your family will be in my prayers.

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  32. sending your sweet family all the love in the entire world. I'm unspeakably sorry for everything you're going through.

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  33. Emily, I am so sorry to hear this. I have been following your story and I am sure that I speak for all your readers and followers when I say that this is the post we have been dreading and hoping would never come. I hope that Martin's time is peaceful and I am so glad that he will be surrounded by his beautiful family. For someone so young, you have incredible strength and Martin and your children are truly blessed to have you. Be kind to yourself during this incredibly emotional time. I personally am not religious but I hope that your faith gives you the comfort you deserve. Sending you all of my very best wishes, lovely lady. X

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  34. Emily, I am so sorry to hear this. I have been following your story and I am sure that I speak for all your readers and followers when I say that this is the post we have been dreading and hoping would never come. I hope that Martin's time is peaceful and I am so glad that he will be surrounded by his beautiful family. For someone so young, you have incredible strength and Martin and your children are truly blessed to have you. Be kind to yourself during this incredibly emotional time. I personally am not religious but I hope that your faith gives you the comfort you deserve. Sending you all of my very best wishes, lovely lady. X

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  35. Sweet Emily, my heart breaks for you. You are such an incredible woman. No should have to go through this. My thoughts are with you and your precious family.

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  36. I am so deeply sorry for you and Martin, you seem to be taking things with such courage and grace, it's amazing. I've read and loved your blog since it went public, I 'knew' you when you only had 2 kids, I've followed your journey and I feel very lucky. I can't do anything to ease your pain and there's absolutely nothing I can say to relieve your sorrow but you're in my thoughts.

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  37. Emily, I am so sorry to hear this. I have been following your blog, and Martin's story, for some time and I think I speak for all your readers and followers when I say that this is the post that we have been dreading for you. I sincerely hope that Martin's time now is peaceful, surrounded by his beautiful family. You have incredible strength for someone do young, and your family are so lucky to have you. I personally am not religious but I hope that your faith brings you the comfort you deserve at this time. Be kind to yourself, lovely lady. My very best wishes to you all. X

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  38. I am so terribly sorry for what you are facing. Praying the God's love can envelop and comfort you.

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  39. Emily,

    You don't know me, but my heart breaks for you and your family. I am sitting here, tears running down my face thinking of you and those precious babies. I do not have words to help take the pain away but I will say that I cannot imagine anyone else handling this entire ordeal with as much grace, poise, and faith as you have. You are a remarkable wife, mother, and woman. I'm sure there will be many dark and scary days ahead but you should always take solace in the fact that you are an amazing light in this world and that you and Martin have touched so many lives.

    -Kate
    www.theflorkens.com

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  40. My heart stopped when I read this. I know there is nothing any of us can say to comfort you in this time but you are in our prayes. I hope these next few weeks will be filled with an abundance of love and that you will find comfort in Christ when you are grieving. You are such a strong mom and wife and it is so evident the love you have for your family. If/when you have time I would love your mailing address to send you something. Love, Gina

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  41. Emily,

    I can't even imagine how hard this is for you and your sweetheart. My heart is breaking for you and your family. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I will pray for peace and serenity during this difficult time. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way.

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  42. Praying for your sweet family!!!!!!!!!!

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  43. So very sad and so so sorry to hear this news. My thoughts are with you all x

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  44. Oh my goodness, Emily. I have no words. Praying for you and your sweet family. <3

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  45. My heart is very heavy for you. I don't know you personally but I have followed you for a few years and always admired you. I admire you even more today. My heart sunk to my stomach when I read your post, I was hoping for some good news. Praying for strength.

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  46. Thinking of you and your family. Always.

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  47. I am so, so sorry to hear about this. I am praying for all of you.

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  48. Leaving lots of love for you right here.

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  49. Dearest Emily,

    You sound so very lovely! Your story struck a cord for me and grabbed a hold of my heart. My hubby has terminal cancer (and I'm a blogger over at Design The Life You Want To Live www.lynneknowlton.com).

    There are no words to express how deeply sad I am for you and your beautiful family. I just wanted to send big LOVE LOVE LOVE your way, and know that you are in our thoughts.

    Sending light and love,
    Lynne xoxoxoxox

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  50. I'm so sorry to hear this... I have not commented up to this point, but I've been tracking your story the past couple weeks/months. Just know, I'm praying for y'all and hoping for a different answer in the future. Much love to you all!

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  51. Love you! God bless you. Long distance hug coming your way.

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  52. Oh my gosh Emily...I've been following your updates off and on through your blog and Insta and I've been cheering so hard for Martin to pull through and for this to have a happier ending. I can't imagine your pain right now. It made me cry reading this. It seems like you two had more love in a few short years than some people have in a lifetime, and you are so very blessed to have that to cherish forever, no matter what happens next. <3 You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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  53. I am so sorry. You will be In our prayers.

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  54. I've been waiting with baited breath on an update from you. An update saying the cancer has retreated, that your sweetheart will be fine. There's really no words to express how sorry I am for you. Im thankful that you found your love early, but just so heartbroken for you. I'm so sorry :(

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  55. Emily, praying for you all and your beautiful family. Hugs from Nebraska! Wish I could bring you a meal or do something to help!

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  56. Oh my goodness. I have been following you and your sweet family for a few years now and feel as if I know you personally. My heart is breaking for you right now. Go make as many precious memories with him and your children as you can. They will be so special in the more difficult times that will ultimately follow. Praying for you and your sweet family. So very sorry to hear this.

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  57. Oh sweetheart, my crudy day is suddenly put into perspective and I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself. I am so so sorry that life is what it is yet praising God that you have been able to share this short time so deeply with Martin. May God hold you in His mighty hand even still. Thank you for sharing such a private moment that encourages all of us in our walk.

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  58. Words escape me...please know I am one of many who are sending positive thoughts.

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  59. My heart has been breaking for you, and Martin, and your whole family as you've shared this journey with your readers. Please know I will keep you in my prayers this night. Many blessings to you.

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  60. Sending my love to you, Martin and all 5 of those beautiful babies. I hope that the next few weeks together will be filled with love and hope.

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  61. Emily, I am so sorry :( My heart aches for you. I had hoped for the best and will continue to pray for a miracle b/c He is able. If this is what the Lord has chosen for you to walk through, know that it will not go unredeemed...no matter how long it takes. Praying for your pain to ease as your heart grieves, but also that people LET you grieve. All I can think is that there must be something amazing down the road that we can't see right now....and there IS. Of that you can be assured...in the middle of so many things that are uncertain around you right now :( PLEASE don't lose hope! If there is anything I can do...a word of encouragement, a prayer, anything, please let me know and know that you are being lifted up in the meantime...much love to you and your family. Although, this chapter may be coming to a close, your story is not finished yet. He holds the pen and you can trust Him...even in the "whys"...<3

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  62. I am so so sorry Emily. I can't begin to imagine what is going through your head or how you even process it. I am praying for you as always and will continue to. It is so hard to understand God's plan and at times like these the only comfort is knowing you will be reunited one day again. My heart hurts for you and I will be thinking of you all.
    Xoxo

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  63. Heartbroken and hopeful for you. Families are forever and I thank God for yours and your courage in sharing your story. Will continue to send prayers for peace, grace and every possible joy in this next season. Love to you and Martin and the babies.

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  64. Continually praying for Martin, you, and your sweet family. I'm so sorry to hear this news. I can't imagine what this must be like for you all. I pray that God wraps His arms around your family to comfort and console.

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  65. as I sit here and read your blog my heart is heavy with just thinking of what your family is going through at this truly unimaginable difficult time. I wonder if you have ever read the blogs called "This is the Life I Live" by Rory Martin, they are so beautifully written about his and his late wife's journey through Joey's battle with cancer. His latest blog hit home to me and I thought of you today when he wrote "take your burden to the Lord and leave it there". Sometimes during the most difficult times it good to know you have someone above who will shoulder your burdens for you. Thinking you and your whole family at this time, sending virtual hugs your way, know we are here for you to help lift you up. One of your fans Robin

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  66. I am writing this with tears in eyes.. You guys have been so brave in this journey! All I can do is pray for your family. Love!

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  67. I'm terrible sorry this is happening to you and your family. I continue to pray for you all everyday. Your love for your family and faith has really inspired me to be a better wife and mother. Sending our love from Petaluma, CA

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  68. Words escape me after reading this update. You are so brave, strong, and graceful. I am sincerely praying for you all. May Jesus give you the strength and peace you need right now. Lots of love sent to you!

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  69. I was so afraid to open this post. I am so sorry for what all of you are going through. I cannot imagine the pain. I believe in miracles, I've seen them happening, but at the moment I prefer to not pray for Martin to get better, but for God to bless you and for His decisions to be the best for you and your family.
    I heard a quote a while ago when I was going through my divorce; "Don't place a question mark in what God has placed a period". No matter what God decides, it is the best for you, Martin, and your beautiful babies.
    I'll keep praying for God's decision to be the best for all of you.
    Lots of hugs.

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  70. My prayers go out to your family.

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  71. Oh Emily. I'm so sorry. I have no words, or any sympathies that would help ease the hurt and pain you and your loved ones are going through, but know that I'm praying for you. I'm praying that you will be strong and that the strength and comfort of the Lord will overtake you. You have been such a huge encouragement to me for a long time. Thank you for being so open and honest. Prayers and blessings, ~~Abbie

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  72. I've been following your story for the last year or so and I am deeply sorry. Your little family are in my thoughts.<3

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  73. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. Never met you and recently started watching your videos. Just by what I have seen, I can tell you are an incredibly strong Woman, Wonderful and Amazing Mom and Wife.

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  74. Thinking of you and your family and sending lots of prayers your way.

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  75. Oh god! I cannot even imagine. This is probably the thing I fear most in my life is losing my husband, partner and best friend. My heart has been with you since you first posted about this surprise struggle in your life and I hoped for a good outcome for you and your family. I am glad you are surrounded by caring and wonderful people. If I was there, I would be one of those people. So from Atlanta Georgia, I'm holding your hand.

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  76. Brave. You are SO brave. Much love to you and your family <3

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  77. Bless you sweet, brave, strong Mama! May peace and comfort surround you and may a miracle grace your love.

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  78. I'm so sorry, Emily. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. You are one brave woman, and your family is so blessed to have you.

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  79. Actually feeling physically sick after reading this.
    I could feel my heart break for you.
    Nothing left to say really. Just tears.

    I'm so glad you two got to love each other and built a life and beautiful family together. You got to share something very, very special.
    You're so strong. Both of you.

    Nothing but love, love, love to you all the way from Germany.
    Vanessa

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  80. My heart is broken for you. You will be in my prayers. <3

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  81. Oh Emily and family! I am so heartbroken with what you are going through. You are sooo loved and I am praying for miracles to happen. Stay strong and cherish these short moments. Oh, I cannot imagine what your kids are going through too...:(

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  82. I'm so sorry for everything you, Martin and your family are going through. My heart & prayers are with you.

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  83. Your gratitude and love is stunning. I can only guess that the quality of your love was such that your short time together was deemed enough to feel what most of us can only hope to in a lifetime. You're right to think cancer, though damn cruel, need not be the epilogue. As my (handsome, also redheaded) brother said, facing a brain tumour aged 23, 'cancer need not be the epilogue. In many ways it can be the introduction to a richer life of wisdom. And though fights can end in the physical sense, your loved ones never really leave. You'll see. I hope you find comfort in this beautiful poem by John Donne about the mutability of being and the abstract nature of deep love xx

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  84. Oh Emily, I can't even to begin the heart ache you may be feeling at this time. I look up to you in so many ways, one of the main reasons being you are so optimistic, and humble. You radiate beauty and hope! I wish I could take the pain and sorrow from you. You have been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be. Lots of hope and love being sent your way!

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  85. I'm so sorry, Emily. I have followed along all this time and your family has been, and will continue to be, in my prayers.

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  86. Emily, I am so so so sorry your family is going through something that no family should ever have to face. I know that no words can help, so I lift prayers for your family instead.

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  87. My sweetest Emily, I know I speak for all of us when I say this is one blog we never wanted to read. Our hearts are filled with such sorrow and we will continue to pray for all of you.
    Lana

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  88. :( I am so sorry that you were given that type of news. I've been following your blog for ages now and have seen your family grow and the memories that you have created together and shared with us and it truly makes me sad knowing that you and your family are going through this. Nothing said can make this go away or better but I've been thinking positive thoughts for all of you and will continue.

    Hugs....Kimberly
    TwinklingTrees.com

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  89. Bless your hearts x x x sending you love x x

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  90. Bless your hearts x x x sending you love x x aka snuggyfox

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  91. Leaving you so much love here. It's amazing how the Internet can place someone's story so closely to your heart. We are strangers, but yet you have put goodness and strength into my perspective. You are loved!! Your family is loved. My prayers are with you all❤️.-Anneke, MT

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  92. I'm so sorry to hear this Emily. Prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time.

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  93. Prayers to you and your family!

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  94. Oh my goodness Emily, my heart is broken for you guys. All the love, hugs, thoughts, prayers in the world being sent your way right now. There are no words, but I thank God that yes your family is forever whatever life brings. Xxx

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  95. Oh Emily....I have tears steaming down my face as I read this. I know I don't know you and you don't know me. I am so touched that you would let me (and the rest of your readers) in on this journey and allow us the opportunity to lift you up and encourage you.

    You are an amazing mom and wife. The eternal love for your family is so evident by the gleam in your eyes and the words you share here. And I am confident that with whatever the next couple weeks throw your way - you will walk it with grace and you will be a shining light to everyone around you. And you will never walk it alone.

    Praying you through this with hope and love and encouragement. You remind us all how precious today is. Thank you for that.

    Mimi

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  96. Never met you but tears in my eyes for your beautiful family. God bless, and strengthen and hold you all in this time. Hope you find comfort from the online support of his, your distant stranger fans. Prayers and love to you.

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  97. I'm in tears as I read this. My heart aches and beats for you and your family. I can't ever imagine having your courage and strength. You have transcended from mother and wife to warrior. It is all a part of you. Your husband, the father of your children has transcended also to a fighter for so very many who look to him and hope for him and hope for life. No matter what happens, love remains. It can never be taken, removed or abandoned. Love transcends disease and time.

    So many people love you.

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  98. Emily, I am so sorry for this devastating news. My heart goes out to you and I'm praying for a miracle for Martin and for your sweet family!

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  99. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time. Sending love your way from Denver.

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  100. I am praying for your sweet family. I'm praying for miraculous healing over your husband in the name of Jesus Christ. Call out to Jesus.

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  101. i just can't even begin to imagine what you and your family are going through. I'm so very sorry. I've been praying and will continue to do so.

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  102. Praying for you and your sweet family so much during this. God is the Healer of the broken-hearted.

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  103. I don't have words, Emily. I have been praying for you and Martin every step of the way. I know God is with you both and your sweet babies. Praying that things advance from here the way that He would have them. I wish I could hug you.

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  104. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I pray for peace and comfort during this time of uncertainty, and the absolute rush of emotions that you must be feeling. I remember seeing some of my own loved ones suffer with cancer, but I always felt the peace of the Lord. I knew He was truly there, even more so than usual. I know that this will be overwhelming to endure, but you seem to have a great support system, and so many are praying for you! Take care of your little ones, and all my best to you!

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  105. So much love for you and your family.

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  106. I don't have words. Just sending you, Martiin and your kids love, light and prayers.

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  107. I have loved watching your sweet family grow over the past few years and I have been following you on this journey as well. This post brought me to tears as I wish that I could give you a hug and bring you some comfort. Just know that I will always be praying for you and your family, while hoping for a miracle! God works in mysterious ways!

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  108. Oh, Emily...my heart aches for you. But know that there is a loving community offering our thoughts, prayers and love to a family we only know virtually. Am wishing you all the best and will continue to pray for you and your family <3 (hugs)

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  109. I cannot imagine what you are going through, and I know that you may not want any more suggestions that would give false hope, but I have heard that pureeing asparagus and have at least 2 tbsp in the morning and 2 at night has worked with cancer. My heart goes out to you and your family. I am praying for you!

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  110. My heart just breaks for you, your sweet husband, and your precious children. Take care.

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  111. And my heart just broke in two. Sending love and light. XOXO

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  112. I recently lost my dad to cancer in April. It is so very hard... To go through those "few weeks" and the following to come. I don't have children, so I can relate as a mother. It was my dad who passed, so I can't relate as a wife. But I can relate to loving someone who has been a huge part of your life, and dealing with their passing. All I can say is that I'm sending prayers to you and your family, and especially Marty. This is such a sacred time to be with family and to ponder of eternal life. You are loved and supported by so so many of us local and not local.

    May God be with you at this time.

    xoxo

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  113. I am so so sorry. I don't even know how to say how sorry I am that this is happening to your sweet family. I am so glad that you are surrounded by so many loving, wonderful people. Know that I am sending prayers to you and I will hold my family extra tight <3

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  114. I can't even imagine. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about what you all have been through. Ice followed your story for a long time and I'm sending so many prayers your way <3 God does everything for our good and though we have no idea why things happen the way they do, trust in him always. ❤️❤️ Amy Jo

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  115. Emily,
    I am sending love and support your way. I know this is the hardest thing you'll ever go through - and I know from losses of my own that the love and support from others really does bring warmth and light to an otherwise dark time.
    Stay strong and hug those babies,
    Meghan

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  116. I will be praying for you all through this impossibly difficult time. My heart is with you, Martin and your littles. I have four of my own and cannot imagine how heavy your heart is right now. You are right, you will always and forever be with each other, no matter what.

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  117. I am so very sorry. I am just a stranger looking in, hoping you had better news to share. I am just so very, very sorry. I will add my prayers to the thousands of others doing the same. Much love and concern from your sister in the gospel.

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  118. Emily, I've been reading your blog for years now. And even though we never met I feel like I know you and your Family. This post breaks my heart and at the same time it fills me with joy. You wrote "families are forever" and it is so strong. I was baptized a Little over a year ago and was excited to find out, that you are LDS too. I've been praying for Martin and your Family all the time and I will continue to do so. Feel hugged and loved

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  119. Emily, I have been following your blog for a while now and admire you so much not just for your beauty and creativity but also for your incredible courage. Our prayers are with you and your sweet family. We hope that you will be able to enjoy the time together.

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  120. I can't even begin to imagine all you are feeling or going through. Just know you are thought of, and everyone is pulling for you all. ox

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  121. Oh dear Emily,
    I've been following your journey quietly from far away...it is getting dark here... almost 10 PM in Poland. My two kids are asleep and my husband is working in the other room, and I'm crying. I cry as a wife and mother for you and your family. I have no words for you...
    Jesus said:I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die... so yes, there is always hope...
    Sending love, hugs and tears...

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  122. Emily, I feel some semblance of your pain as I just lost my mom to kidney cancer two weeks ago this Sunday. I was able to care for her since October and cherished every moment I had with her, but I am not going to lie, it still just sucks. Today, I am back at my house and have picked up the phone to call her already a dozen times. She died in our arms at home and for that, I am eternally grateful. I am so glad that y'all are going to be at home with all of your kids surrounding you. I honestly believe that is the best way for someone to go home. My prayers are with y'all.
    Emily

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  123. I'm praying so hard for you and your family. You are not alone.

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  124. I literally went through this exact same experience about 3 weeks ago with my best friend and fiancé. She is in hospice now and starting to slip away more each day. Just knowing there are others suffering similarly somehow makes me feel less alone. Thanks for sharing and I hope we both find the strength to get through this...

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  125. Prayers, love and strength to you! I cannot fathom what you are feeling deep inside but I'm thankful for the community you have built around you. I'll be keeping you all in my prayers! Stay strong beautiful lady and hug your precious babies tight! ����❤️����❤️

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  126. We're praying for you, your little ones, and Martin daily. This has to be one of the hardest crosses to bear and only God can see you through this. Hugs and tears from Virginia!

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  127. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you.

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  128. This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. We've never met though I will continue to be thinking of and praying for you and your family.

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  129. Can't imagine how hard this must be. Sending you all my love,p and strength. Take care...

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  130. There are no words, Emily. Praying for you all for the peace that passes understanding. What a mighty God we serve who promises eternal life together.

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  131. You are so very strong and I know he will be with you no matter what. You have such a beautiful family and love...my thoughts and prayers go to you and your family. Xoxoxox

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  132. My heart is so heavy reading this Emily. I can't imagine what you and your sweet family are feeling. Your faith and testimony are so strong and your family is a shining example of hope, faith and love. We will continue to pray for you guys! Lots of love from Arizona.


    Mallory

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  133. Sending love and best wishes from the UK x

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  134. I'm heartbroken for you and your family. Sending lots of love. I lost a brother to brain cancer when he was 39 (with 3 young children). It's a cruel disease. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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  135. I'm a long time reader who has followed your beautiful family the whole way through Martin's treatment. I'm also someone who lost an amazing lady, my lifelong best friend's mother back in October to breast cancer. I know what you're going through and I know that this is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do, but I know that you'll get through it. It may seem like a far off land now, but in a while it will get better, I promise. Time will work it's magic. Marty may still pull through and I hope he does because you deserve a happy life, all of you do. Sending all my love and prayers and hope across the pond from the UK. Emilia xx

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  136. My Heart is so full of compassion for you and your sweet family! You have no idea how much of a inspiring role model you are for me with your positivity and your strength! I know you have touched so many hearts around the world with your journey and with just who you are! you have for sure touched mine! At first I started following you because I LOVED your style and being a red head too I felt like you could inspire me to embrace that unique quality about my self and I had no idea that not only would you give me great ideas on how to look fabulous but you also showed me how to look with in myself to become more of a loving mother and wife. My heart and my tears are so heavy when reading this post. I don't usually comment on things online like this but I just really want you to know that even though you may not know each and everyone of us personally, what you bring to this world (including the most adorable kids!) touch each and everyone of us in a beautiful way! I cant imagine how much work it is to nurture and raise a family, to tenderly treasure every day with your husband as well as taking all of us along with your journey AND show us amazing technique and beautiful pictures! your capability is endless! I truly admire you. My prayers and thoughts are with you, Martin and your five little ones.

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  137. http://www.hoxseybiomedical.com/patient-testimonials/ First, I'm so sorry you are facing this nightmare. I know this is likely going to fall to the side but with all my heart and hope I pray that you find this message and at least make a call in this eleventh hour to try one last lifeline. This center is known for saving patients at this late, terminal stage of cancer. Please just call them and hear what they can offer you. Please. ((hugs and love to you all)

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  138. Prayers for you. I pray and think of your sweet little family daily. I don't know you personally but I have followed along through this journey. Love to you all and praying God's peace for you. *hugs*

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  139. You're so strong Emily. Sending you, Martin & your family lots of love & hugs at this sad time xx

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  140. I am so sorry. There are no words. I hope you can cling to those memories forever. Prayers for you and your family right now.

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  141. Oh, Emily. I'm praying for all of you <3

    Much love,
    Hannah

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  142. Love and prayers to you and your family. xoxo Megan, Denver, CO

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  143. My heart is breaking for you, and Martin, and your family. There is no rhyme or reason to this tragedy except that with all the beauty in the world it isn't perfect. I hope that my prayers and love lift a small amount of the pain and burden off of you and yours. I pray that God's angels will surround and protect you all.

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  144. I've always admired your physical beauty but now I'm in even more awe of your class and beauty within- in the face of so much adversity. I hope you have many sweet pain free moments with those babies and Martin. WIsh I could squeeze you....Just know I'm praying for you and sending more than internet love can express. PRAYER FROM UTAH

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  145. I'm sending the biggest hugs to each of you and will continue to pray for you. Xoxo

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  146. Love and prayers for your entire family from Maine. Don't ever forget that you're never alone in this, that so many of us think of you in a daily basis �� Big hugs for you!!

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  147. Oh, Emily. I am lifting you, Martin, and your children in prayer. May you feel the love of our God wrap around you as you go through these next weeks, these next days, these next hours. May you know that God is always good, even when it's hard, especially when it's painful, and always when it's dark. We may not understand in this world, but I believe that love transcends all borders. The love that you and Martin share, and the love that he has for your children will stay with you all, always. May you feel the strong arms of our Father holding you when you are weary, lifting you when you feel weak, carrying you when you just cannot go one. more. step. May you know the peace of His love for you, and may that peace and love carry you through these days. When the time comes for Martin to go on to his great reward, may the love and strength of all those who care for you carry you, and may you know that this is not the end. In His name, Amen.

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  148. My heart goes out to you guys. I hope you're surrounded with love and happiness and I wish you all the strength possible in the upcoming time! Your vision in this situation is absolutely incredible.

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  149. Emily, I will continue to pray for you and Martin and your sweet babies. May the Lord comfort you, and may you cling to Him who is full of grace, and who loves you and gave His only Son for you. He will supply all you need to endure this unimaginable trial. All my love to you and yours.
    "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

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  150. I am just so sorry for all you are going through. So many prayers and positive thoughts coming your way.

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  151. I've been praying for you guys and can honestly say I could barely read the end of this without blinking through tears. I'm so sorry you all have to go through this. Much love to you all and prayers for strength.

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  152. Emily, I beg of you to please consider the truth of God's Word where He says "And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:" (Hebrews 9:27) and in Romans 3:23 He tells us "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God." But there is hope! Romans 10:9 says "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved." Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son of God, gave himself freely to die on the cross for our sins because He loved us so much. And on the third, rose again that we might have eternal life in Heaven! But without faith in Jesus Christ only for salvation, not baptism, church membership, or good deeds, the only thing that awaits us is an eternity in the lake of fire, burning in an unquenchable fire forever.

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  153. I just wish I could hug you. I've been following for a time, I just admire you and your family. You all are inspirational.

    I just hope you for, in the possibilities ahead, you get yourself good, and strong for you little babies, and for yourself.

    I send all my strenght and love, from Portugal! **

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  154. I am so very, very sorry. You and Martin are such amazing people and wonderful parents and I was praying you would get different news at the hospital last week. I wish I knew the words to comfort you but please know I will keep your beautiful family in my prayers.

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  155. I am so, so sorry that you are going through this.

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  156. I've followed y'all's journey for a while now, even before Martin was diagnosed although I've never commented before. I'm around your age and my heart just breaks for you. I'm praying every prayer for you and your sweet, young family. Sending blessings your way.

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  157. Words are just not enough. I am so terribly, terribly sorry. I am praying for miraculous peace and strength for you, for Martin, for your sweet babies, for your families. God is with you always and may you feel His love in the most real way ever as He holds you in His arms and sustains you. <3 <3 <3

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  158. Wow, you are so strong, Emily. And I'm so sorry to hear this terrible news. There are no words that can be said – losing someone you love is simply the most difficult thing a person can go through; let alone with five beautiful babies at home. Your children are so lucky to have such a wonderfully documented picture of their parents' life together. In that way, and through your stories, the best memories will never fade. <3 My heart goes out to you and all of Martin's loved ones.

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  159. I'm so sorry for you and your little family...Emily. My heart breaks for you. I'm keeping Martin and all of you in my constant prayers, may God give you strength and comfort. Love you so much.

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  160. Words cannot express the heartache at this update. I have been praying for your family every night and hoping for a miracle. I will continue to do so. I so admire your love for your husband and your grace throughout this experience. Your babies are so blessed to have seen your love for each other and to have such a loving mother and father. I am keeping your family constantly in my heart.

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  161. Bless you and all your family, sweet Emily... Your love is and always will be so inspirational. The way you've always been together, so positive, so full of hope and LOVE. So united. You'll always be. Thanks for that.
    Thank you for sharing those terrible moments that we know must be hard to explain and express, for it gives so much inspiration in Love and Life to those who read it.
    I can't even tell how sorry I am to read this, though.
    However I -as so many did before me this whole year- give you all my prayers, all my love, wish you and your all family will find all courage and strengh you'll need. You'll never be alone through this.

    <3 <3 <3 <3 + all the Love I can possibly digitally send

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  162. I'm so very sorry, Emily. Peace and blessings to your family in this incredibly difficult time.

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  163. I'm so sorry, Emily. I can't imagine what you're going through. I can only wish your family to make the best of the time you have left together. Be strong.

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  164. Sending love and prayers to you and your beautiful family from Ohio.

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  165. I'm so sorry to hear about Marty. May god eases your journey. Loads of love from Singapore.

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  166. Thinking of you and your family, sending positive vibes your way. You are strong and you are loved. Your children are loved. Your husband is loved. I have no more words. I am sorry, and I am hopeful for your futures.

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  167. Emily, I have followed your blog for several years now and although we have never met, I feel as though I have been privileged to get to know you in some small way through your writing and your scopes. My heart has been aching for you and your family though this difficult journey you are on together, and it sank into the pit of my stomach reading your latest post today. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I want you to know that I think about you and your family often, wishing you peace, comfort, joy, and hope. You continue to inspire me with your strength, and grace, and endless love for your family. There are so many of us out in the universe that are holding you and your family close to our hearts, and I hope that it is some comfort to you to know that there is a groundswell of love and hope from all of us to support you.

    Much love from Wisconsin,
    Lisa

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  168. Oh sweet Emily - I've never commented before, but many of my prayers have been made on your family's behalf. Those are the only words I can muster - those and, may God's hand be ever over you, and may you deeply know his love for you all as you walk this difficult road.

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  169. Heartbreaking news, Emily. My thoughts will be with you in the coming weeks.

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  170. Heartbreaking, Emily. My thoughts will be with you in the coming weeks.

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  171. Your strength is simply amazing! Your beautiful family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  172. Thank you for sharing this with us. We are here for you and your beautiful family.

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  173. Hi Emily, I've been reading your blog for a while and love seeing your beautiful family and the memories you make together. Watching you all fight this battle has been heartbreaking and I truly hoped that you wouldn't have to hear those words and that a miracle would happen to make this all one big bad dream. Fighting an illness like this is devastating and I can't imagine the pain your family is enduring. I hope that you all are able to share the remaining time you have together truly sharing in each other's company, and I hope you remember one thing: while hospice and palliative care signal the end of a journey, that adventure isn't quite over. It is easy to cry and be sad, but I hope you and your family will be able to continue making memories and sharing in precious moments together instead of feeling guilt for laughing, smiling and enjoying each other (many people do). Those are the beautiful moments that you and your children may someday hold so dear, and are the memories that will help you through difficult times ahead.

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  174. Unfortunately I know how you feel. We had the same talk with the doctors when we learned there was nothing more that could be done for our mom. From the last visit to the hospital it took no more than 6 days before she had to leave us. We had been preparing for over a year, but no amount of time is enough. I'm sad to say I wish I could've spent it even better. I wish I'd treated her even better. I wish I wasn't so angry. I wish I told her I loved her even more than I did. I wish life didn't have to end. I guess there's nothing else to do but carry on. Always further. I hope you and your children get through this okay. I know it can be hard. I hope time heals all wounds. Good luck to you.

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  175. Emily, My heart breaks for you, while my spirit is lifted knowing that your love and faith will never be destroyed by this cancer. You and your family are in my prayers. Steffi (Bia's sister from Delaware)

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  176. you guys are so strong!!! I'm sending all my love to you & your beautiful family!

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  177. I remember meeting you a week before all of this started happening! Your family came into the store I was working at! Martin was so unbelievably nice, it's crazy how fast our lives can change. I'm so sorry, and I know nothing I can say will change anything but your in my prayers! Wishing you all the best, you have thousands of people supporting you, you have a beautiful family that will be yours forever no matter what happens.

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  178. Just love and prayers for you.❤️

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  179. In the face of so much pain, you've written your story with so much grace. I am thinking of you and your family and wish you strength. Thank you for sharing your courage.

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  180. I see so many people saying "stay strong" and "be brave for the children", but can I be the one to tell you that you don't have to always be strong. Your tears will give your children permission to grieve, each in their own way. You don't have to pretend that you have it all together or try to find your way back to the path that was before. Dear Emily, let your sorrow teach them how to be your strength when you have none left. Remember Ruth and Esther and Mary... This journey of loss is the bridge that will carry you all into tomorrow; hearts knit together in grief and a sacred garden grown with the tears of their mother.

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  181. I'm a fairly recent follower of yours and I have rarely left comments, but I do want you to know that your family has been in my thoughts and prayers daily since Martin's diagnosis. My best friend lost her husband to melanoma at the young age of 27 so what you are going through hits home hard for me. You are such a strong and beautiful mother and your faith is an inspiration.

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  182. Dear Emily,
    My heart is saddened to read this update but thank you for being brave enough to write it. Please know that my family and I are praying for you, Martin, and your babies.

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  183. When the seas are rough all you can do is hang on. Hearts all over the world are breaking for you, Martin and your beautiful little family. Xxoo

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  184. Praying for you and your sweet family. May God give you all strength and may you feel the love being sent to you from all over the world!

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  185. sweet sweet emily . i'm crying because i'm so sorry for you and your lovely family .. i hope you're staying strong .! i can't imagine how you're feeling right now . I#m just sending you all my prayers and love .!

    all all all the best although I know it's hard to think positiv in such life-challenging situations ..
    sry for my bad englisch . I'm from Austria so it's hard for me to find the right english words to express how much I think of you all ..

    with lots of love
    sarah

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  186. I've been reading your blog for a while now. For the first time while reading it today, I cried! May Heavenly Father bless you and those sweet babies! May He bless Martin to have peace.

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  187. I don't know the right words to say...I am just so sorry. You will be in the hearts and minds of so many you have touched. It is not enough to heal your sweetheart on this earth but his heavenly healing is 100% a certainty. I weep for you, I pray for you, I am angry with you, I am glad with you...lovingly always

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  188. To dearest Emily.
    You don't know me at all, but I feel like I know you.
    I have been following your blog for years, and following Martin's story since the beginning. I've shared tears with you, I've prayed for you. I've been admiring your strength and your courage on here, even when I know you are probably only just holding on; but you are still holding on and that shows so much strength.
    I'm only young, so I don't have much to offer, but I hope a few bucks and some kind words can help in any way. Even if it's a temporary moment of thankfulness for this online community. I am sending all of the loving energy I have inside me to you.
    So once more, you don't know me; but in a way I know you, and I wish you all the best that you can possibly find in this hard time.

    Always with love,
    Paige.

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  189. All my prayers and love for your family right now.

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  190. Oh my heart! Our God heals, this I know. Praying for you and your family!

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  191. Oh you sweet, amazing, strong woman. I have not experienced Cancer as a patient or as a wife, but when I was a child, my best friend went through the same thing that your sweet kids are going through. Obviously what you and your family is going through is so hard, but I want you to know that my friend was okay. That she felt so much love from her Father, even at the end when he wasn't even aware she was with him. She is still a daddy's girl, 20 years later and her family is so close because of what they went through. Yes, these days will be so hard, but I know Christ will buoy you up and there are so many of us praying for you!

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  192. Praying for, and thinking of, you and your sweet family, Emily. My heart goes out to you. Wishing you peace and the comfort of His love and strength. <3

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  193. Emily! Praying and thinking about you and your beautiful family tonight:) thank you for the update! Please when you get a chance go to jw.org for some wonderful encouragement ! i hope these scriptures will bring you some joy:) 1peter 5:7-while you throw all you anxiety on him because he cares for you. Philippians 4:6,7-do not be anxious over anything,but in everything you prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving, let your petitions be made known to God and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your mental powers. Isaiah 41:10 do not be afraid,for Iam with you,do not be anxious for Iam your God. I will fortify you,yes I will help you, I will really hold on to you with my right hand of righteousness.

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  194. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

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