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Monday, April 25

Weekend Wrap-up || Life update

THIS WEEK: was about coming home from the hospital in Houston and finding my footing again. It was full of playdates for the kids, yummy treats and meals covered with plastic wrap delivered to our door, tight hugs from the sweetest friends, cherry blossoms outside the kitchen window, so many delicious baby giggles, and lots of contemplation.
On the other side of the spectrum, it was full of sleepless nights, sorting through too many pill bottles over and over, feelings of regret and fear and acceptance, trying to make sense of it all. There were swollen eyes in the morning, signing for his oxygen tank, pleading with him to 'take just one more bite', and making the first big decisions by myself since our marriage. Martin can't stay awake much at all because of his level of pain medication, and the valuable time he is awake is spent trying to get as much food and liquid in him as I can. He's so groggy that he can't keep people or objects or his surroundings straight, and his confusion makes it impossible(and dangerous) to leave him on his own for even a short time.

Last Wednesday was his birthday, as well as our sweet Sophia who turned 5, and I took her on her birthday date without Martin (a tradition that we always look forward to with our kids) while he stayed with family at the house sleeping. I had to hold her hands and try to explain to her why daddy couldn't be with us, but that I know he wanted to more than anything. My kind sisters-in-law threw her an Elsa birthday party per her request, and a sweet friend made her the best cake ever. She had a really wonderful day overall:)

SNAPSHOTS FROM THE WEEK: 

Moving forward I plan on writing a more in-depth post of what our experience was at the hospital in Texas, and what our plans are moving forward, so feel free to ask questions below that I can address. The short version though is that our main oncologist there recommended the immunotherapy combination that we were hoping for (that was just approved in the states several months ago), which is kind of the next step of what he's already been doing in Mexico. He wouldn't have many side effects at all from the immunotherapy, but the pain level from the growing tumors in his liver has been so severe, he has to be highly medicated until they shrink- which is the hope. He will be able to get his next infusion of treatment locally(such a blessing), and then every other treatment(they happen every 3 weeks now) will be done in Houston with a set of scans to go with it. The best part of this route I think though, is that results can sometimes be seen as easry as the 6 week scan- which is super dooper fast.

As far as my blog, this space of mine has been such good therapy for me, and such a great outlet for to share things that I love and things that I'm working on, trying out, striving for, and that inspire me to be better. As funny as it may sound for any none-bloggers, I really crave getting my hands on the keyboard and hearing the clack of the keys, but just as I was feeling like our world was flowing smoothly again, the rug really got pulled out from under us again, and this time I feel like it's going up in smoke. It has been a year now so I'm no stranger to all of this, but I'm still sorting out my emotions and feel very confused and broken at times. The rest of the time I'm so so humbled by the kindness and generosity of everyone around me who is pulling together to hold our family up and help us along, and that includes of course the amazing support from you guys:)

There's a fine line between explaining enough about my/our situation so I can move forward, while keeping my sweetheart on the pedestal where he belongs. So my hope is that in putting this information and photos, etc, out there that I can continue to find balance in sharing the right amount, satisfying all angles as best as I can, and

TO-DO's AND GOALS FOR THE WEEK:
- take more time to meditate and find daily peace
- have more patience with my girls
- do something anonymous to make someone else happy
- try to film more everyday moments at home

A FEW FACTS:
- I found in Houston that there wasn't anything quite so relaxing as driving down the road with the windows down, indie music on quietly, and the warm breeze in my face.
- I never thought that I would look forward to siliva on my shoulder and sticky fingerprints on my pants, but after getting home to my babies, those simple things made me so happy.
- I was sure that I made my favorite cinnamon roll, but I was wrong. One of our good friends makes the most amazing one I've ever had, and I'm going to see what I can do about getting it for you guys:)

SOMETHING TO TAKE AWAY:
The man on top of the mountain didn't fall there. 
                               - Vince Lombardi

Did you have a good week? Has your new week been better so far? Thanks so much for visiting, 

50 comments:

  1. Oh, Emily. You are coping so incredibly well with this hand your family has been dealt. Your calmness, maturity and sweetness must be a blessing to your husband and children. Wishing you and yours all the best. X

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  2. Emily,
    Thank you for taking the time to share. I know this can't be easy and I pray you will find the strength needed to get through each day. I wish I lived nearby, so I could bring you a meal, or help with your kids! Your attitude during your family's trial has been so encouraging to me and I pray those tumors will shrink!

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  3. Keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers, always! Let me know if you need anything at all while in Houston...I live in the area. Sending my love!

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  4. You're being so strong and hopeful in such an amazingly tough situation. My heart hurts for what you're going through, and I wish there was something tangible I could do for you and your family. Please know that your internet friends are sending love and hope and healing thoughts. Take care.

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  5. Sounds both a rough time and bittersweet. Thank you for sharing.

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  6. Emily,
    I'll be sure to keep you and your family in my prayers and that you find the strength in each and everyday.

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  7. You are the single most brave person I have ever had the pleasure of following. You really are an inspiration at how you put things into perspective for me so quickly. Thank you. I wish you and your family the best.

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  8. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

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  9. Going down Main Street in the opposite direction of MD Anderson with the oaks whistling and the people walking the side walks with college students taking their daily strolls is nothing short of relaxing. I know the feeling so well! Hang in there, sweet gal!

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  10. One of my best friends has stage 4 melanoma and is receiving, I think, a similar treatment. She was diagnosed a few months after Martin, I think, so I've been following your family's story these last few months.

    I have no advice, only emotional support, and love from afar. Take care, Emily. xoxo

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  11. Emily,
    We are praying for you, Martin, and your beautiful family.

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  12. Emily, I just went through a miscarriage yesterday with my first pregnancy. As painful as it was, you kept coming to mind as an example of counting our blessings and putting my best face forward. Thank you for being so honest and such a wonderful role model!

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  13. Hi, I've never commented before but I just wanted to say how incredibly inspiring you have been throughout this whole process. Your level of composure and strength has been so impressive, Martin and your children are so lucky to have you supporting them. I so hope for the best for you, I know it doesn't mean much but I'm sending lots of love you and your family's way.

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  14. #thinkshrink

    Been thinking about your family and your struggles. Thank you for sharing and letting us share your journey. Here are the lyrics for a song by Laura Story that I think would be comforting. Listen if you have time.

    Blessings
    We pray for blessings
    We pray for peace
    Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
    We pray for healing, for prosperity
    We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
    All the while, You hear each spoken need
    Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

    'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
    What if Your healing comes through tears
    What if a thousand sleepless nights
    Are what it takes to know You're near
    What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

    We pray for wisdom
    Your voice to hear
    And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
    We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
    As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
    All the while, You hear each desperate plea
    And long that we have faith to believe

    'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
    What if Your healing comes through tears
    What if a thousand sleepless nights
    Are what it takes to know You're near
    And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

    When friends betray us
    When darkness seems to win
    We know that pain reminds this heart
    That this is not, this is not our home
    It's not our home

    'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
    What if Your healing comes through tears
    And what if a thousand sleepless nights
    Are what it takes to know You're near
    What if my greatest disappointments
    Or the achings of this life
    Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
    And what if trials of this life
    The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
    Are Your mercies in disguise

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  15. You are so strong. I can't understand why horrible things happen to such nice people. Thinking of you <3

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  16. I think of your family constantly. You're doing an awesome job being the rock your family needs right now. I'm so sorry to hear Martin is in so much pain, I really really pray this changes soon for him and for you all. I can't imagine how you must be feeling watching him go thru this. Stay strong guys.

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  17. I wish I could meet you. ;) I'm going to be in USA this year but in New York. Anyway, I'm so inspired while reading your posts. And, as someone wrote, you're so mature, calm, sweet and STRONG. The role model to me. Hope your husband will be fine. Take care! :)
    Natalia

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  18. I don't have the right words to express my hopes for you and Martin, but just wanted you to know that there are prayers. So many prayers.

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  19. Hoping you feel the hugs and prayers from all of us!

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  20. I am praying for your sweet family daily. I can't imagine what you are going through but admire you strength to write about it while in the thick of it... and one of your goals is to do something nice for someone else this week that needs it, my dear that speaks volumes. Wishing you so much strength in the coming weeks xo

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  21. Emily - you are strong, you are an amazing person and you'll get through this and your family will be OK throughout life despite any loss that comes your way. But just know that you don't have to be "strong" (aka, pretend everything is fine) for your kids, family, friends, etc. It's OK to show them you're scared, sad, emotional, etc. Not only will it be better for your healing, but for their understanding and healing as well. Honor your emotions and the grieving process. You are all so loved.

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  22. You are such an amazing strong woman xx

    http://art-love-fashion.blogspot.com.au

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  23. You and your beautiful family are in our thoughts and prayers. Stay strong for the littlies.

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  24. You have been on my heart and in my prayers as I've been following your updates. I am amazed by your grace, strength, and courage through this. Thank you for being so transparent and posting updates, I along with so many will continue to pray for healing. Xo

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  25. Dear Emily,

    I've been following your blog & fb for the longest time. I must say you're holding incredibly well with the situation that God have set for you. You're such an inspiration & you're husband is a very lucky man to have you. You're so strong & full of love! We may not be of the same religion but you're always in my prayers & thoughts, may God ease your journey & may your husband have a speedy recovery. Hang in there mama! You're doing great!!! Loads of love from Singapore!!!!!!

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  26. I am just sending my blessing to your family.

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  27. Please know that your sweet family is in my thoughts & prayers sweetie!! Cancer sucks!! My mom is a 30 yr survivor of breast cancer, my Aunt (really the only 1 I've ever been around) just finished her chemo and radiation and is now on maintenance chemo for prob the rest of her life from breast cancer, another Aunt who really is a cousin is a 2 year survivor and my wonderful mum-in-love just had a double mastectomy 3 weeks ago and had to go back in today to have anot her small area from her chest wall removed. So I really do know what yall are goin thru and suggest to really lean on those willing to lean a shoulder, you learn at times like this who truly loves you for you. Healing and miracles can and do happen sweetness always remember that and that you have a friend in GA (who is also a ginger lol) sending yall love and prayers!!

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  28. My prayers are with your sweet family. You are my definition of grace and strength. I pray that Martin will have quick relief of his pain. I have a strong family history with Melanoma. My Mom survived stage 2, her brother (my sweet uncle) died of Stage 4 melanoma. This was way before the new treatments they have now.. he chose not to fight, but to live out the rest of his days surrounded by family. My twin sister goes in tomorrow to have a surgeon remove a very suspicious spot from her thigh. Fortunately, and unfortunately we have learned all to well what to look out for and when to have spots removed. I say it's a blessing and a curse. The whole family has scars everywhere because of the fear that perhaps "this spot is melanoma". You are such a strong person, regardless of whether or not you feel strong right now. ((HUGS)) prayers and healing. These are what I hope for you and your precious family.

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  29. Yes! Take as many videos as possible!! Have him address each one of the kids individually. You are doing great at handling this. There is no best way to handle it, just your way. You are a beautiful family! Hugs:)

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  30. Many prayers to your family, may God hold you close and comfort you every day. You are a great caregiver to your family! Keep your head up you are doing a great job!

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  31. Keeping you guys in our families prayers. There are no guide books to the challenges you and your family are facing. You just take it one moment at a time, and you seem to be handling that with as much grace as any of us could hope for. Praying for miracles to happen, wisdom for your medical team, strength to sustain you and your precious family, and peace over your whole situation.

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  32. I continue to pray for your husband and family and think of you all often... I'm so very sorry for what you're going through and the hard decisions and obstacles you've faced. That you're updating your followers at all is amazing. Thank you for letting us know what you can!

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  33. Still praying! It's ok not to always be strong...to cry your eyes out and just release it all. Praying for a miracle for your family! I'm sure it feels good to be home, too! And take care of yourself..... "You can't pour from an empty cup!" ( my current favorite quote )

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  34. Hi Emily, I think you are doing an amazing job as a mother and wife. Please take care of yourself as well, ok? I am sending a big bear hug all the way from Germany xxx

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  35. Hi Emily,

    I'm not really sure of what to write or how to write, since English isn't my mother language. Nevertheless I would like to say that you have a huge amount of people wishing you all the best and sending you positive vibes.

    I know it hasn't been a good year but you are doing really well.And it is ok to fell down sometimes. That doesn't make you weaker. You are a human being!!!
    I have a friend battling breast cancer, she had a crazy year so far and she is finally finishing her treatments. I'm sure you are about to get there too.

    God won't give you more than you can handle, dear.
    I truly believe you will all be stronger after this!

    XXX
    Cibele

    p.s.: sorry for any grammar misspelling or nonsense...

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  36. My heart aches for you and your family.. and here I am thinking I have problems in my life. You are such an inspiration. My deepest prayers.

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  37. Praying for successful treatments with the immunotherapy. My dad has been on immunotherapy for 4 years and has had great success with his stage 4 melanoma. He's currently cancer free. It's amazing stuff!

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  38. Emily,

    I so admire your strength and courage. I found your blog on Pinterest almost 2 years ago and began to follow your hair tutorials and eventually your instagram account late 2014. Then, strangely, the very week that my life was changed forever by Stage 4 Pancreatic cancer in my family, you posted that picture of you and Martin breaking the news.

    I followed your account through my own cancer journey (because if someone in your family has cancer, you all have cancer!), even while at M.D. Anderson going to our own life-changing appointments, and found hope and inspiration in what you posted. So please know that you specifically gave me hope in my darkest times. You have a wonderful gift and I hope you keep sharing that with the world!

    I know the symptoms of a cancer-ridden liver, the constant "stitch" they feel in their side, and I know all the confusion and sleepless nights that go with it. I know how scary it can be to ask them a question and see only confusion or incomprehension in their face. I so wish there was some advice I could give you that would make all this go away, something I could give back to give you hope and inspiration, but you just have to stay strong and keep fighting. If I've learned anything from following you all this time, you are one amazing fighter!!

    I wish you and your family all the best, and I will leave you with this amazing quote from Mumford and Sons from their song "After the Storm" that helped me in my hardest times:

    "there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. / And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. / Get over your hill and see what you find there, / With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.…"

    @weepski

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  39. Emily,

    I so admire your strength and courage. I found your blog on Pinterest almost 2 years ago and began to follow your hair tutorials and eventually your instagram account late 2014. Then, strangely, the very week that my life was changed forever by Stage 4 Pancreatic cancer in my family, you posted that picture of you and Martin breaking the news.

    I followed your account through my own cancer journey (because if someone in your family has cancer, you all have cancer!), even while at M.D. Anderson going to our own life-changing appointments, and found hope and inspiration in what you posted. So please know that you specifically gave me hope in my darkest times. You have a wonderful gift and I hope you keep sharing that with the world!

    I know the symptoms of a cancer-ridden liver, the constant "stitch" they feel in their side, and I know all the confusion and sleepless nights that go with it. I know how scary it can be to ask them a question and see only confusion or incomprehension in their face. I so wish there was some advice I could give you that would make all this go away, something I could give back to give you hope and inspiration, but you just have to stay strong and keep fighting. If I've learned anything from following you all this time, you are one amazing fighter!!

    I wish you and your family all the best, and I will leave you with this amazing quote from Mumford and Sons from their song "After the Storm" that helped me in my hardest times:

    "there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. / And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. / Get over your hill and see what you find there, / With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.…"

    @weepski

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  40. I just started following your blog recently and I have to say that I have been so impressed with your strength and gift to take anything and turn it into gold. Such amazing talents. I know that those precious children, and your sweet husband are so lucky to have been placed with you. You seem like the kind of person that will continue to learn, grow and figure things out till its second nature. I strive to be that way, but I'm not there yet. We are praying for you guys. I can't imagine how hard it is for you right now watching your sweetheart sidelined by this horrible disease. But like I said you have an amazing gift and so much strength. My money is on you and that cancer's days are numbered. Remember your never alone.

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  41. I'm hoping the immunotherapy works for him. I am thinking of you and your family often!

    -Anna xx

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  42. Just let it all out, don't worry about how things sound or if you're being everything to everyone. We're all supporting you, many of us praying for you, so please don't worry about us. Do what you need to do to get through each day. My heart hurts for you and we don't even know each other. You're doing an amazing job and holding up far better than most would. But don't be afraid to say you need help, don't be ashamed to feel angry or cry. Everyone reading cares so much about you guys!

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  43. Standing in faith and believing God is going to give you a miracle and completely restore your husband's health. Praying for peace, strength, comfort and patience for you. You are all so loved by Him and He will never leave you nor forsake you. Love and blessings upon your family.

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  44. SEnding your prayers from a little coffee shop on the outskirts of Melbourne Australia. X

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  45. I know this isn't the same, but my 81 year old grandmother with Alzhiemers just had her second heart attack in 4 days. My family and I have spent the past 3 days in the hospital with her watching her go through it all. To watch someone you love be in so much pain and be confused and out of it is so very hard, so I absolutely know where you're coming from in that reguards. Stay strong my dear. You are one amazing person. You and your family are in my thoughts. I hope the immunotherapy works for your hubby and he will find some relief soon.

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  46. Reading your words with your husband reminded me a lot of what my Dad went through when he had cancer. I feel for you and your family. I remember when my Dad lost weight, trying to get him to eat, and the last birthday we shared together was his. It's weird because when I was younger, we had a strained relationship but that whole experience brought us together. I told him things I had never really been able to say or ask before, I took care of him in some incredibly awkward and personal moments. My Dad's fight with cancer wasn't successful and he passed away two years ago and it took a toll on my whole family.

    However,
    I'm not writing this to make you sad or lose hope. I gained some beautiful things from that terrible time in our lives. I lost my Dad physically but I also actually gained my Dad back before that happened in a sense. I pray for you guys and I'm hoping treatment works. I know your husband and father of your children going through this is so different from my experience but You're so right in cherishing every moment no matter what happens. You're incredibly strong. Hang in there and know you're not alone.

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  47. Thank you for your courage to share your journey with your husband's cancer, We actually discovered my daughter's cancer at around the same time I think that you found your husband's. I remember going through such a gauntlet of emotions & one of them was whether or not to share outside of immediate family. We did & I was amazed @ the outpouring of love & support. While my daughter's cancer is different from what you are battling for your hubby I still feel so much kinship & strength & also pain for triumphs & setbacks that you write about. You & your beautiful family are in my prayers.

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  48. I'm floored by your grace, kindness, optimism and humility in such a challenging time. All the best to you, your husband, and your children. xx

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  49. You have a beautiful family, amazing strength and are utterly inspiring with the love, peace and courage you transmit. I pray all will go well for your family.

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  50. There's a book called Make and Share Random Acts of Kindness
    By Mique Provost...I'm going to see if there's a way to send it to you. It's great to do with the kids...maybe a distraction during this difficult time. I can't even imagine but I will pray without ceasing...

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